Episode #38
9 Dec 2024
“Understanding who you are is at the core of authenticity. And that means really understanding your values, your strengths, what triggers you, your personality traits, the way you’ve been socialized, any trauma that you’ve experienced, and how all of that affects your behavior – because it does.”
Renita Alexander (a.k.a. The Leadership Locksmith), Leadership Trainer & Coach and author of Just Breathe: Leading Myself One Breath at a Time.
“Authenticity” was named one of the buzzwords of the year for 2020. And it hasn’t stopped buzzing. You’ve heard it before:
- “Be your authentic self.”
- “Bring your whole self to work.”
- “Dare to be you!”
But what does that really mean? What does it not mean? And why does it matter?
In this episode, we’re joined by Renita Alexander, a.k.a. The Leadership Locksmith, to explore the often blurry concept of being yourself at work while also maintaining your professionalism and privacy. What is the balance? Are there certain things we should consider before showing up as our whole selves at work? And from an employer’s point of view, what’s to be gained from cultivating a culture where employees can be authentic?
Tune in to learn more about the practice, benefits, and challenges of being authentic at work.
Renita D. Alexander is a retired U.S.Air Force Colonel with a passion for
leadership. She has turned that passion into a thriving business, Leadership Unlocked, and herself into The Leadership Locksmith by sharing her lived experiences as a leader in the male-dominated, experiential leadership lab that is the U.S. military. Renita inspires aspiring and ambitious leaders to unlock their potential to lead powerfully and authentically in any environment.
Watch the interview:
Or read on for the transcript
Queing (she/her/queen): Welcome back to Voices with Talking Talent. My name is Queing Jones, and I get to be your host today. We are having a much-needed conversation about the topic of what does it really mean to be your authentic self? Is that possible and is it possible for everyone? And joining us today is Renita Alexander also known as the “Leadership Locksmith.” Renita is passionate about leadership. She is the oldest child in her family and the oldest grandchild on both sides of her family, so she learned early on what it means to be responsible, starting with yourself. She says that she was “voluntold” for a lot of things a lot of the time.
Now after a very accomplished career in the US Air Force, she started her business Leadership Unlocked because she noticed in the businesses that she was encountering, there was something missing and that was leadership. So, Leadership Unlocked is a full-service leadership development and training company focused on empowering ambitious leaders to unlock and leverage their unique innate leadership DNA so that they can lead with energy, agility, and authenticity, which is what we’re going to focus on today. So, welcome Renita. Thank you so much for being here with us.
Renita Alexander: Thank you so much for having me. I’m just so super excited to be here this afternoon and talk about one of my favorite topics, which is authenticity.
Queing (she/her/queen): You know, well, let’s get right into it. So, we hear a lot about this be yourself, show up as your full self, be your authentic self at work. But what does that really mean, and I want to know what does it not mean for the workplace.
Renita Alexander: Absolutely. Well, the tension between authenticity and attachment is something that starts at birth and so we struggle to be our authentic selves in any environment. But I believe the key to being authentic is understanding who you are at your core. So, understanding who you are is at the core of authenticity. And that means really understanding your values, your strengths, what triggers you, your personality traits, the way you’ve been socialized, any trauma that you’ve experienced, and how all of that affects your behavior because it does. The intention really should be using that information to be the best version of yourself to meet whatever life objectives you’ve established for yourself, and then particularly in a group setting. So be it your family, be it your sorority, be it work, whatever group you are a part of, you want to be able to help achieve the group goals.
So, that way if you are understanding, if you know who you are, you can be relatively consistent in how you show up. Whenever, wherever you show up, you can be consistent. So, to take that a little further when it comes to work what are your objectives to being at that job? Maybe it’s to grow, maybe it’s to feed your family. Do you know what your values are and if they align with the values of the company that you’re working for? Do you understand what it means to operate in your strengths? Are you aware of your trauma triggers? Again, with all that information, how are you showing up? What it doesn’t mean, however, is to be stuck in behaviors that are disruptive to the workplace.
So, Gallup is the big dog when it comes to sort of the work environment and they’ve been doing studies about engagement for years now, and it’s been pretty consistent in that about 30% of the workforce, 30 to 35% of the workforce is engaged and that leaves a whole 65 to 70% of the workforce. Yeah, that’s disengaged. I know.
Queing (she/her/queen): Right.
Renita Alexander: And then about 13% of those are actually disruptive. So, they are actually engaged and disruptive. So, the self you may be identifying as authentic may fit into that 13%. You could have anger issues; you could be untrustworthy. You may not be the best listener or even a good leader and so you may fall into that percentage in your authentic self. What it doesn’t mean is reacting emotionally. So, guess what? You don’t have to react based on your feelings. Now I’m not invalidating feelings. Feelings are real. They’re telling you something about how you are experiencing what’s happening to you, but you don’t have to act on them. I talked about socialization so many women in particular are socialized to show their feelings, to express their feelings. Many men, not all are socialized to repress their feelings, but male or female do you understand how to process your feelings so you’re not reacting emotionally, but you’re reacting, you’re responding with some intention and some thought behind that emotion. Showing up authentically doesn’t mean being irresponsible with your energy.
We are responsible for how we show up. So just because you had a bad night, or a bad morning doesn’t mean you get to show up in a foul mood and infect the workplace. It doesn’t mean staying in your comfort zone. So, pushing yourself to be the best version of yourself may mean pushing yourself out of what’s comfortable. It doesn’t mean using the excuse that’s just the way I am. Is it? Is it really? Because of all the things that I just said, the way you were socialized. All of that impacts or affects your behavior and the behavior may have been behavior that was allowed, and it may feel natural, but does it really reflect who you are at your core, and is it in alignment with all the things we’ve already talked about and is it appropriate for the environment you are in? So, we talk about personality traits. Personality traits aren’t fixed. They are really our preferences. I saw something from Adam Grant.
Queing (she/her/queen): Okay.
Renita Alexander: Yeah. Just recently he made a comment that personality is not destiny, and I was like, oh my God, I love that so much. It’s your tendency.
Queing (she/her/queen): And it’s interesting because a lot of times what we do is we can get so into what our personality traits are we lead with that. That’s our identity. I’ve said before, oh, I am an INFP so the reason I, blah, blah, blah, or I’m an Enneagram five or whatever it is. We can lock in on these things like that is absolutely who we are. But I hadn’t heard that. Thank you for sharing that.
Renita Alexander: Yeah. I mean, so there’s room to grow within that and understanding that tendency, that preference, how you turn to show up what behavior you tend to exhibit. Understanding that you get to choose maybe something different, or at least understand how someone who’s not, who doesn’t have that personality may respond to you. So, you mentioned some personality assessments, I’m a big fan of StrengthsFinders, what is CliftonStrengths now. And yes, it is strengths when positively applied, but sometimes it’s not positively applied and that’s when it’s kind of the shadow and that’s when it’s negative and that’s when it’s perceived in a negative way. The one I like to talk about a lot is this idea of self-assuredness. So, self-assuredness, that’s a positive quality until it’s not until it’s cockiness. I always say, is it wrong to let the self-assured be wrong? So, sometimes that self-assurance can mask, or can prevent you from being humble, perhaps in a new situation about information that you don’t know. So again, it’s you being the best version of the highest vision you have for yourself. To me, that is you being authentic. I know that was a really long answer.
Queing (she/her/queen): No, that was great. Thank you for all those layers. One thing I thought about…
Renita Alexander: And there are layers and layers to us. There are layers of layers to us.
Queing (she/her/queen): Yeah. One of the things I thought about as you were talking about how it doesn’t mean that you get to mismanage your emotions. And what I like to get your thoughts on next is when you consider some of the collective traumas that we’ve shared that spill over into the workplace. For example, there are situations where certain corporate leaders have spoken out about the overturning of Roe versus Wade. So, then you’ve got people within that organization who are vehemently against what the leader is saying or they’re just bringing to work with them, perhaps the heaviness that they feel from that, or when you consider some of the things that have happened as it relates to racial injustice. People are coming to work with that. I remember when the thing first happened with Ahmaud Arbery, that was very difficult for me to have to continue to show up and nobody’s talking about it.
So, continue to show up in meetings with the camera on and being pleasant and being productive and high performing. So, when people are dealing with the heaviness, the secondary collective trauma that we share, or things that have come up in their home, I know someone who was sharing a story with me about some devastating news that they had received about something that happened in their family and minutes later, they had to do a presentation. So, they immediately just had to [takes a breath] and go right into that and just turn it on. So, how can you bring some of that? Is it okay to struggle? What’s the appropriate way to show I am struggling today?
Renita Alexander: So, I want to address that in two different ways. So, there’s the collective trauma that we are experiencing as a country and then some of us may be experiencing it more acutely. Let me address that second.
Queing (she/her/queen): Okay.
Renita Alexander: What I want to address first though is the personal piece. So, how much of your authentic self, or how much should we bring when we’re experiencing something that is devastating? I think it’s appropriate to bring the authentic self that’s appropriate for work. All the things that I’ve just talked about. But part of that also is having developed enough of a rapport with your team to understand what they can be trusted with because not everybody can be trusted with the intimate details of your life. I think it may be okay to say in the second instance that you shared maybe I’m going through something, let me, excuse myself. That lets your team know that there is something happening, and you may not be able to show up as your full self. I think it’s perfectly okay to do that because a lot of times what happens is people don’t know what you’re going through, and they see you. Maybe you’re trying to hold it together, but your emotions are seeping through. So, then a lot of times, especially if you are the leader, we often internalize anything that we’re experiencing. So, people make it about themselves, even though it may not be about themselves. So, I think it’s okay. Again understanding… The sound of freedom.
Queing (she/her/queen): That’s okay. For you all who are watching us right now, Renita is in Chicago, and they are having their Air and Water Show this weekend and the Blue Angels are practicing right above her building.
Renita Alexander: There we go. Exactly. I love the sound of freedom but maybe not when I’m doing a podcast. Anyway, so your significant other, the people that you’re in an intimate relationship with may require, may need to know that information. But I think part of being authentic is being discerning about who you can share that information with, and especially if you are in a leadership position, I think it is okay to say I’m going through something. But how much of that you share is kind of up to you. Now, when we look at the collective trauma of 400 years of the last two years of the pandemic, everybody is experiencing something and especially for marginalized groups, I think this is the time to bring truths because we are either going to continue to be a democracy or we’re not and I think we are at that crucible period, and I think it’s important. I think there is a space for that collectively.
Now, I don’t know how it may be at your particular workspace. You are the only one that knows that. I mean, obviously, I don’t know, but I think we are at a place as a country where, again, depending on where you are and who you’re engaging with, it may be that it may be better received to speak your truth about how it is your feeling. For instance, why did nobody say anything about what was going on?
So, when the pandemic and when everything first shut down in March of 2020, I had just taught the first session of an emerging leader program for a Chicago-based international company. So, we basically got one live session and then we had to go remote and hybrid and be on Zoom. But I thought it was a really great time to look at how people are responding to what is actually happening in real-time. How agile are your leaders? And of course, a part of that was, of course, that summer was George Floyd and his murder and the resulting protest. So, I talked about it with these leaders. I brought it up, I brought up the fact that the then president was having a rally on Juneteenth in Oklahoma. What am I trying to say?
Queing (she/her/queen): The Tulsa fire.
Renita Alexander: Tulsa. The massacre. That was very deliberate and some of them did not know about that. So, I talked about that. So again, I think we are at a place where some not all are willing to hear, and I think it’s important that we share our narratives because often what happens is people are surprised. They don’t understand maybe how this has affected you personally because you felt it. The one for me was Jeremiah. Not Jeremiah, the incident. So, I don’t watch a lot of videos because it’s very traumatizing to me.
Queing (she/her/queen): Oh yeah.
Renita Alexander: But I remember being on the train sobbing, going to teach a bar method class. I was an instructor at the time where I had to present something because they don’t expect me to be sad, they expect me to bring the energy. So, I had to process that emotion on the train so that I could get in front of these people and be my energetic self. So that is a burden that I think we collectively share for marginalized people in this country, but I think there is a willingness in some communities to hear our narratives. And I think we should speak those narratives again.
Queing (she/her/queen): Now. Yes.
Renita Alexander: Again, understanding.
Queing (she/her/queen): Yes.
Renita Alexander: Understanding your team and the people that you can say these things to.
Queing (she/her/queen): Right. And then that makes me think because you mentioned agile leaders because I’m imagining, and I’m also basing this on my own experience. Although I’m at a place now where I can feel like I can share more of myself I’ve also been in places where I wouldn’t share a teaspoon of myself because the culture just did not support that. So, when you think about your work with leaders, what are some of the things that you are training leaders to do or teaching them to do, to be able to even create a psychologically safe culture where a person could feel that they can even consider bringing their full selves to work? It can’t be that we just show up, a new person shows up and it’s like, okay, here I am. Yeah. What do the leaders need to do? They have to meet them halfway.
Renita Alexander: Absolutely. It is absolutely the employers and the leaders that the company employees to create that culture so that you can be your authentic self in the workspace. A culture where everybody feels comfortable bringing their expertise and their experience and they feel seen and respected and valued and that is absolutely the employer’s responsibility. So, we are seeing in real-time, of course, with the Great Resignation what happens when the workplace is inauthentic. Because what happened, what has happened. And in fact, I was working for another company that did their own case study and they thought, oh, people just don’t want to work.
The problem was well, who they said they were their advertised their brand, wasn’t their culture didn’t match their culture. So, they said we were this, but then people actually started working for them and it wasn’t a place where they could be authentic and where they felt valued and engaged and connected. So, what I teach is, first of all, the foundation of any culture where people are going to feel like they can be authentic is trust, relationships built on trust. Leadership is all about relationships and leaders that can create that environment. Now there are pieces that we have to do, the employees, the rest of the team members, but I always say the leader has to trust first.
The leader has to trust first. So, that is the foundation of trust. Accountability- it is important that people be held accountable in a fair way across the board and that the leader is transparent about that. When people feel like they can trust, when there is fairness, then they’re going to engage in some of the conversations that may reflect some disagreement and some conflict. But they’re going to be okay with that because they know that they can trust the people around them. I always say that conflict on a team is not bad. It’s to be expected. We all should be bringing our different opinions, our different areas of expertise to the team. That’s a whole point in having a team. If everybody thinks the same way, what is the point? So, you want to encourage that, and the leader has to encourage that.
The first time somebody brings up a different opinion though, and there’s an adverse reaction, or there’s a negative reaction, guess what you just taught everybody on your team is not to disagree. So, that shuts that down, that prevents that authenticity. So, yeah. First of all, all the things that I talked about from the beginning. You got to lead yourself first. So, knowing who you are, knowing your values, your strengths, all of that, being emotionally aware, emotionally intelligent, and growing that if you need to grow that skill. So, all of those things are important to agility. Understand what you think is important about leadership, how you feel about leadership. Is leadership all about control or is it about bringing out the best in people?
What’s your leadership style? I have a servant leadership style that was probably reinforced in my military career. There’s an air force axiom that says, “Take care of the people and the people will take care of the mission.” So, I worked really hard to do the things that only I could do, because there were some things that they could not do that only I could do, and then giving them the resources, the safe space to do the things that they could do. So, I felt that was my job as a leader. So, all of those things understanding your strength and understanding that everybody is not going to think the way you think, and then respecting people enough to allow them to bring their full selves is how you create agility. It’s how you create trust. It’s how you create a culture where people feel like they can show up and be their full, authentic selves regardless of their background.
Queing (she/her/queen): Yeah. But what would you say to that leader of a certain age who’s been in a senior executive role for the past 40 years and that’s just not the way that they were taught about business? It’s just not what you do. Personal stuff stays at home. That might be seen as a weakness if I am showing too much of who I am. There should not be that sense of familiarity. What are some of the ways that you’ve been able to kind of transform some of the thinking of folks who’ve kind of been set in their ways, who just don’t believe in that stuff? And it’s not even just folks of a certain generation. I’ve been on LinkedIn and seen people say things like that’s a load of crap, or I don’t believe in all that stuff. That’s not necessary and I think, wow, there are people who really think like this so how do we help those folks to know that you being able to be authentic and vulnerable is actually a leadership competency? So, how have you been able to kind of help adjust some of that for folks?
Renita Alexander: Well, sometimes it’s difficult.
Queing (she/her/queen): Yeah.
Renita Alexander: When people are stuck and stagnant and believe what they believe sometimes no amount of facts, no amount of research that you present to them can change their minds. But the research absolutely supports the benefits of authenticity because it’s hard to bring your full self to include all your talents and gifts when you’re uncomfortable. It’s just hard to do that and there is a bottom-line benefit to being in a space where you feel psychologically safe. There just is. But we’re seeing it again. I think a lot of it has to do with who is still in leadership because it is still predominantly a white male space and regardless of generation as we bring more people of color, as we bring more women into these spaces, I think there is an understanding of some of the things that the research has supported for the last 30 years.
There’s no research that supports some of what we call some of those measurable leadership competencies as the only thing that is important and there’s no leadership research that has shown that competencies like compassion and caring, they make a difference. Those things make a difference in how people show up. So, when people can again, feel psychologically safe, they’re more likely to again, bring their full selves. They’re also more likely to push back on courses of action and ask hard questions, which ultimately result in the company’s best interest.
I remember in 2019 when all these international companies started rolling out all these products in blackface and I’m like, okay, they’re just trolling us because surely somebody said from the idea to production that blackface is never a good idea. But did they, did that happen? Did they have the right people at the table?
Queing (she/her/queen): Right.
Renita Alexander: And of course, it cost the companies money because they had gone to production and there was outrage and they had to shelve these products. So, was there someone along the way? Was that person listened to? It also has an impact on recruitment and retention. So, I just shared the whole idea around the Great Resignation being in part because people don’t feel like they can show up and be their full selves. So, despite all that, despite the evidence to the contrary, I think sometimes people just have to figure it out themselves. Again, I shared the fact that one of the companies I worked with did their own case study, but even with all the facts that were particular to that company, there was a little reluctance to share it with the leadership.
Queing (she/her/queen): Interesting.
Renita Alexander: Here’s this information, it’s not from another company. This is from our company. This is kind of what’s happening. So, again, people are reluctant. In some cases, I think we get stuck and stagnant on what we believe leadership is and it’s just difficult to move from that. Now, I’ve had some success again, showing and sharing all these things that I’ve talked about around understanding yourself first and then how that translates. Helping people who you are privileged to lead connect to what the mission is, see themselves because that’s how, again, they become more engaged. But that requires a little coaching sometimes because you have a session and this is a great idea, but there’s no one to continue to remind you of why this is a good idea and how you can show up and practice this on a regular basis until it becomes a habit and that takes usually three to six months for it to become a habit. So, I probably didn’t answer your question.
Queing (she/her/queen): No that’s pretty good because what you’re saying also demonstrates that it is a practice…
Renita Alexander: It is a practice.
Queing (she/her/queen): …and it’s something that takes effort. As we wrap up, I recently saw a TED Talk that was about how authenticity is a myth for people who are of marginalized groups. People feel like they have to cover and code switch and not really be able to lean into their personalities when they’re at work. What are your thoughts about that and how is it that they can show up in a way where they feel like they are being true to themselves?
Renita Alexander: Well, again what does that mean? We talked about personality earlier. A personality trait is agreeableness. What if you’re disagreeable? Okay. What if you are so introverted that you don’t want to interact with people? Are these traits that are going to allow you to be the best version of yourself at the job? So, I think part of that is just understanding who you are and understanding that there are layers to us. There are versions of us, hundreds of versions of us and there are people who need or require, or deserve access, and then there are people who don’t. So not everybody at your job needs access. Being your authentic self or bringing your authentic self to work. Yeah, it means being vulnerable, but you don’t have to tell everybody everything. You don’t have to show everybody everything.
Who needs to know the part of you that laughs loudly? Now, that’s me all the time but does everybody need to know that? What do they need to know? What level of detail do they need to know? Your significant other may require some information to be in a relationship with you that your coworker may not. Your coworker may be off put by you sharing something intimate with this. So, this is where that discernment comes in. Someone who has shown themselves to be unworthy of your trust doesn’t need to know the details of your life. Everybody doesn’t deserve to see every side of you. In your personal life, you probably have circles and even within those circles, you have people that you share things with and people that you don’t. But we somehow believe that on the job, we should show everything.
Maybe that’s not always the best way to be. Brené Brown calls it floodlighting. We share too much. Part of that is understanding again, who can hear what it is that we want to share. Again, not everybody needs to know the intimate details of our life. Not everybody needs to know what we are feeling at that particular time or about something that is happening on the job. So, I always say find some trusted person, find some mentor that you can share with. Tread carefully when you’re sharing. Get some discernment. Yeah, have a conversation with somebody that you trust about something that you, that maybe you may feel a little apprehension about sharing so that you can share in a way that is going to be beneficial.
Again, because part of what you’re doing on a team is you have objectives. In addition to the team goals, you have your personal objectives. So, yes, vulnerability creates that trust that is going to lead to relationships. But we also have to be discerning. We also have to make sure that we are sharing in a way and being vulnerable in a way that is going to help us meet whatever it is we’re trying to do, and I think that’s just being discerning and being smart about being intentional. We used that word earlier about how we show up and how we choose to behave in whatever environment that we’re in.
Queing (she/her/queen): And I’ve found that as the culture begins to expand and grow that way and there’s more and more connection among the people folks will encourage that of you even by the way that they show up and if you decide that you want to express yourself even outwardly in a certain way, I feel like it’s more accepted and celebrated and encouraged as well. So, hopefully, people won’t have to, as they have leaders who are intentional about developing a culture of psychological safety and trust where people can feel this sense of belonging and feel free to show up as themselves. Then you can do that in a way where you don’t feel like you’re taking off a uniform when you close down for the day.
Renita Alexander: Absolutely. And the leader has to model that behavior first by being vulnerable. But, again, there’s that balance and knowing the team. That’s why making sure if you have that opportunity to pick your team, not everybody does, but if you have that opportunity to pick your team, make sure that you’re selecting people that are trustworthy. It doesn’t have to necessarily be people that think like you or have the same strengths, but people that you can trust, and then by modeling being trusting you can encourage that behavior. So, yeah.
Queing (she/her/queen): Thank you so much Renita for having this conversation with us. I really appreciate it.
Renita Alexander: You’re welcome. You’re so welcome. I appreciate this opportunity to share something that I’m so passionate about and maybe we’ll have other conversations in the future when there are not Blue Angels flying about.
Queing (she/her/queen): Right. And thank you all for joining us. Please, like share, and comment on this video.
